I was looking through photos in remembrance of 9/11 when I inadvertently came across a shot a poor soul who jumped from the building that day.  I abhor those shots, and feel that anyone who publishes them should be boycotted.  I walked away from the computer in tears.  Started folding some laundry.  Could not get the image out of my thoughts.  Those innocent people.  Faced with two choices….burn or jump.  Their fate was sealed.  Their only choice was how to meet it.  Ten years ago I saw those photos and felt a deep sadness and sympathy for them.  Today, strangely, I feel almost EMpathy.  I feel as if I have taken my sweet precious baby boy and stepped out of a very tall window.  Only we’re falling in slow motion.  I think of all the thoughts that passed through the minds of those falling angels that day.  Only a few brief moments.  What and Who did they think of?  As I fall with my son, I look him in the eyes and think of his first day of kindergarten.  Will he look back at me and wave or just charge in?  I think of the priceless piece of paper where he first writes ‘Lachlan.’  I think of he and Callum giggling in the bath tub, in the car, at the dinner table.  I think of them scheming brotherly plots to ‘sneak out’ after I go to bed.  I think of his first girlfriend.  I think of buying his first pair of football cleats.  I think of all the questions he might ask me while we drive down the road or cook dinner.  I think of all the school plays and concerts.  I think of hearing his footsteps on our wooden floors.  I think of running wild with cousins.  I think of brothers reminiscing around the Thanksgiving table thirty years from now, telling stories of things they did that I never knew about.   I think of his high school graduation.  College graduation.  First house.  Seeing him marry the girl of his dreams.  Watching him hold his own sweet precious baby boy.  I think of every time he has said ‘I wuv you mommeee.’  I think of how his curls used to feel against my cheek and how soft his beautiful bald head is.  I think of how he smells.  I think of his larger-than-life laugh…

If only I could jump with him.  If only I could break his fall so that he could walk away.  If only.