I haven’t spoken to God in days. I don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t know what to say to anyone. There is a constant flurry of thoughts in my head, but when I try to put them together they don’t make sense. Not much makes sense to me anymore. This time last year I was preparing for a family adventure to Disney World, looking forward to Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and I was searching for the ‘perfect leaf’ with my boys. I remember it vividly. Callum found bright yellow, vibrant orange, and deep crimson leaves. Treasure. He brought them to me for safe keeping. Lachlan found brown leaves; some green and brown, some yellow and brown, but mostly brown, dried, cracked leaves. He brought them to me with a smile of pride on his face. Such a bountiful treasure. How honored I felt to be the treasure keeper.
October 2010
When I think of these things I look up to the heavens and all I can do is shrug. I want to say “Thank You” for the privilege of having these moments in my life, but at the same time I want to scream a great big “Bite Me!” for giving me these moments and then taking them away. Every day I struggle with what to say to God. Imagine you are at work and your supervisor comes in and says, “Hey, Guess what? You’re getting promoted to that position you’ve dreamed about, and getting a raise, a company car, and full benefits.” Whoo Hoo! And then she says “But you only get the position for two, maybe three, years and after that you have to go look for a job somewhere else.” Do you say thanks to this person? Or do you give the proverbial ‘gift horse’ a thorough dental exam? I feel like God is looking directly at me, hands on his hips, tapping his foot, and asking me, “Do you have anything to say to me young lady?” And the answer is no. Maybe I’ll think of something. Until then I’m going to sit next to Lachlan, hold his hand, and enjoy my treasure.
Tomorrow's Kisses 
Leslie, The Lord understands when we can’t put our prayers into words; sometimes all we can do is cry out to Him. We love you and are praying for you and your family daily. My prayer is not only for Locklin but that you can feel Gods loving arms around you and that you can get your strength to carry on from Him.
That’s o.k. Leslie. We are all talking to God every day and he knows you are angry but he still loves you. Anger is a big part of grieving and you have to go through it. It amazes me how strong you are and I pray for you, Cullen and Callam every day. I love you, Sandra
In your shoes, I believe I would be ready to give up on the praying, too, but there are probably many, many of us still praying even when you can’t.
The amazing thing about our God is that God knows and feels our anger and our fears and our frustrations and our desperation and our enormous grief that can’t even begin to be put into words. Scratch that word amazing at some points because you only think of amazing with the good sometimes. I can’t even begin to understand how you feel. Not even. But I know what it’s like to shake a fist at God and rail and scream and want to give God a giant middle finger. I also know what it’s like to feel so beyond empty and grieving and just done with everything to feel the absolute presence of God’s love and grace in mighty ways even when I want to stick my fingers in my ears and not listen for anything in the world. God loves you and Cullen and Callum and Lachlan. God hurts with each of you. God is right there with you. Sometimes that’s comforting and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it feels like you want to yell and ask why can this happen or why things aren’t fair – and even fair seems like too simplistic of a word because it’s so far beyond that. Yell. Cry. Get mad. God can handle it and it doesn’t make God love you any less. And sometimes there aren’t words to say. The Holy Spirit intercedes for us even in our sobs, even as we cry out. I don’t know much and I certainly don’t have the “right” words to say – but I do know that God loves you and God is surrounding each of you in that love and grace. Don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel or what you should say or what you should do. Know that there are a lot of people that love y’all and are lifting you up in prayer for strength and grace and love and comfort and peace – even when it sometimes seems that some things can never be again – know that our God is one of resurrection and life and that’s not just kidding Easter talk – that’s real. Our hearts go out to y’all.
I love you and I am sorry to the depth of my soul for you- momma to momma…
Leslie you don’t know me but I have been reading your posts and my heart aches for you. I know it is hard to find the words to pray to God , I too am struggling what to pray. I am praying through his guidance you don’t give up on him and your faith. Your journey has been difficult, more than anything a mother should have to endure.
I have been praying that the suffering ends and somehow you and your family will find peace in all of this somehow. I will continue to pray for you and your family. As a mother myself, I am so sorry. April
Thank you for sharing your precious Lachlan with us- oh my- what a doll- those curls and dancing eyes…even in photos- he filled the room…….you are in my thoughts and prayers as you celebrate your precious Lachlan’s life and grieve his leaving you for now. I don’t know how you have done it- and, yet….you have another precious one who will remember his brother and these days and will know the depths of your love-for Lachlan and for him- Narcie says it best….feel your own feelings and do what you need to do- there is no magic…..I pray for peace for you and yours.