Am I not grieving? I don’t walk with my head down or refuse to drag myself from my bed; but yet I grieve. I robotically go about my daily ‘sort’ of life searching for the path to a new normal; but yet I grieve. I make it to the end of the day by reminding myself to take each and every breath. I breathe; but yet I grieve. I continue to smile at the simple precious moments of every day, for fear of forgetting how; but yet I grieve.
Do not have concern for my mental health. No, I am not in denial. I can not wake every day to an empty bed where a precious curly haired bundle of energy slept, and NOT know that he is gone. I can not experience the empty silence of wooden floors that once roared with the sound of plastic wheeled toys and chubby bare feet, and NOT know that he is gone. I see his little clothes hanging, waiting to hold him close and keep him warm. I see his little shoes waiting to run one thousand miles and climb the highest tree. I see his tractors yearning to pull a load of ping pong balls, or cereal, or blocks. I see the height marks on the kitchen door and know that only Callum’s will continue to ascend. I imagine constantly what he would be doing ‘right now’ and what conversations he and Callum would be having. I smell his blankets and his clothes and know too well that these are as close as I will get to him.
You see; I see these things every day. I feel these things every moment of every day. Yes, even in my sleep.
Rest assured; I grieve. Worry no more; for I mourn. My heart and soul are being twisted and tortured. I have a weight on my chest that will not let my rib cage rise to full capacity. I have a gnawing in my stomach that aches through to my back. I have no restful nights, and so I am covered in bruises from sleep walking through my days. The lines on my face have gotten deeper. I am numb. I am exploding. I am numb. I scream when I am alone. It comes with such force from deep within and slams the walls of my home. I wish so badly that it would resound to the heavens and shake God off of his golden couch.
We may not grieve the same, you and I; but yet I grieve.
I am a high wire act. Keep your head up. Don’t look down. Focus. Balance. Survive.
Tomorrow's Kisses 
Never ever thinking that I could image what you are going through or survive a loss such as yours…I think of you every day. I pray for you every day. I pray that your heart will be full with the joyous memories that precious Lachlan gave you in such a short time. I pray that the words that you hear or read will somehow comfort you. I pray that Callum will soon see that his mother is again healthy and well. I know that God doesn’t mind being shouted off his couch….He too lost a son. That doesn’t make it better……I know that also. I will continue to pray for you and I pray that some how, some way, some day the hole in your heart and soul will be filled by our precious Lord and Savior. I love you and know many others that love you dearly.
I don’t pretend for a second that I know or comprehend what you are going through. Each day as I take time to remember each of you and pray for your hearts, my grief for your family changes and has a new face every day… I surprise even myself some days with the anger and frustration that comes with my prayers… for me the process of God slowly unclenching my angry fist to open my hands so that I grab hold of Him has been slow, but very real. I pray He does this for you too- I will not stop praying for you my precious sister, my friend. I love you.
Leslie, anyone who has ever loved a child and lost that child knows that you are grieving. Yes, you are right. You can not stay in bed all day even if that is where you would rather be. As people tell me (and sometimes I resent the comment) life goes on. Yes life goes on but it will be a life that is changed forever because something very precious is missing. I am so thankful for you that you still have a child to hold and love. I have my precious Grandchildren who are a big part of Terina. It has been 2 1/2 years since we lost Terina. Everyone says the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas and all the other first are the hardest. The hardest for me was not the anniversary of her passing but my first Mother’s Day without her. I realized that I would never be called Mom again. I think about you each and every day. I never even got to see your little Lachlan but he is very much on my mind. I know that you like myself would like to go back a few years when we could wake each morning without the terrible feeling of loss being the first emotion that you feel. I like to think about some of the times we had like Edwyna’s birthday party. Watched that video one day and you were so young when you were decorating before the party. Life does go on it is just a different life and we have no choice but to move forward. I look forward to reading each and every post that you write. I can feel you heart in every one. Expressing how you feel will help get you through the day.
Leslie, the greiving, the questioning, the desire to sleep, sometimes hate, sometimes a loss for feeling anything – a few of the things I recall after my precious Kristen passed away. Some I feel even today. I had no desire to talk to others and some of things others said to me seemed to be so cruel and heartless. At times my behavior seemed to be abnormal and tried to make the feelings change or go away altogether. I no longer question these feelings. No one really knows unless they have gone through the same thing. Those that don’t know or understand are making every effort to do what they can. It took me a while to understand that. Know that you are loved by many and my thoughts and prayers are with you. ❤
We love you and are praying for you.
You all are for ever in my prayers. I don’t know what I would do in your place. If there is anything I can do for any of you, please call.
Even those who have lost a child cannot truly relate to your personal grief, although they too share the tragic bond. Hang on tight to your faith and your family. Know that your littlest love will never be forgotten and he touched many lives in his short time here on earth. I still keep his pictures posted on the bulletin board in my office next to the pictures of my boys. I will continue to pray for you all. God bless you. ~ Gwen (I work with your Aunt Bobbie)