‘It’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.’
We all know this popular quote. It’s taken from Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem ‘In Memoriam:27,’ 1850:
I hold it true, whate’er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; ‘Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.
So I was standing at the sink. Thinking of Lachlan. Again. I still expect him to appear from behind the kitchen island, huge blue eyes sparkling, with a train or motorcycle in hand. And I still think sometimes, for a brief second, when I walk into the pantry, that I will find him sitting on the floor quietly enjoying a snack he had climbed the shelves to retrieve. He never did inquire as to whether it was okay; not even with his eyes when he was discovered. Lachlan’s world was a wonderful one. He made it what he wanted it to be. So many memories.
Today, while looking for extra space for Callum’s new shirts in the dresser, I made the mistake of opening Lachlan’s shirt drawer. It was open only a moment. A moment too long. There. The orange surf shirt he wore while bouncing on the blow up mattress with Callum and Aiden. There. The grey soccer shirt he wore to school that day when he looked so unbelievably cute. There. The brown shirt he was wearing the day we were told he would have brain surgery the next morning. There. The black shirt he wore for his entire birthday party because I wanted him to be really comfortable, even though I had a beautiful smocked jumper with tractors on it.
As I stare out the window over the kitchen sink I have to ask myself, or rather, I need to reassure myself, that it is indeed better to have loved and lost. For every moment of joy his memories induce, there is the immediate adverse reaction of being gutted. It does cross my mind that if I had not known him then I wouldn’t know what I’m missing. Of course I am so thankful that I did have the honor of being his mother. The joy he brought into my life and the lives of others — and continues to do so — is immeasurable. The pain, however, is also immeasurable.
Imagine, if you will, that you have met the love of your life. Your chick-flick romance novel ‘soul mate.’ Every day with them is full of love and laughter and joy. You couldn’t imagine life being any better. Ever. You have two amazing years with this person. You see your future together; getting married, having children, traveling. Then imagine you have to watch this person fade away and then pass away. You are left shaking your head and wondering what just happened. You will spend the rest of your life thinking of what would have been. Their voice, their touch, their laugh, now out of reach. Your taste of joy is now so tainted that you are afraid to ever taste it again. Maybe it would make you question whether or not it was ‘better to have loved and lost….’
Some days I just don’t know. 
Tomorrow's Kisses 
I can’t say with any degree of certainty if it is, indeed, better to have loved and lost. Perhaps it is better to live in ignorance. However, your post about Lachlan reminded me of walking into the kitchen and seeing my (then) 2 year old son on the counter eating a banana. “Nick, you are supposed to ask before you eat a snack.” Without a pause, he replied, “I did! I asked myself, ‘Nicky, can I eat this banana? And I told myself, ‘Yes. Eat the banana.'” With that, I let him eat in peace. I don’t think I would give anything that I have in trade for that memory. So like you, I do wonder which is better.
Sending you my love and prayers. I think about you every day. xo
It’s a good question, better? I ache, I grieve, sometimes I can’t breath, but I also don’t want to be the person that I was BEFORE Lachlan.
I cry for Lachlan every day…often several times a day. Sometimes it is triggered when I walk into the playroom where he laughed, and danced. Or when I walk into the pantry where I would often find him on a step stool trying to reach a treat. (I moved them to a lower shelf so he could reach them) Sometimes it’s a curly haired little boy in a commerical or those bald headed children you see in the St. Jude ads. But often it comes from just a memory that pops into my head with no warning or apparent cause. My home office walls and bookshelves are covered with pictures of my 8 beautiful grandbabies. I can’t look at them. When I enter the office, I have to go directly to my computer without looking around, because I can’t take a chance of seeing that precious face looking back at me. I too wonder sometimes, but then I realize that there would be something “not quite right” with the display if it didn’t include that angelic face. I think I would know in my heart that something was missing even if I had never been given the honor of being his Gramma.
I know that my life is better to have known and loved Lachlan. I feel honored to have kissed those sweet little toes of his so in my opinion yes…….Absolutely Yes my life is far richer having loved that precious baby.
God desires us to live a life that is cheerful, prayerful and thankful all the time. I know that Lachlan gave us all joy. Joy and love that could only come from him. YES my dear, my life is blessed having Loved Lachlan.